When I visit my sister-in-law Danielle, I can’t help but compare our lives. She’s a year older than me. I sit in class and work all day, study at night, while she takes care of Natalie Rose’s every need. She has no job, no college education, but Natalie Rose loves her and depends on her and everything her. We’re so drastically different, but what if we switched?  I don’t think we could survive. What is it like giving up everything for your child? All Danielle ever wanted was to have kids, that’s how different we are. I don’t think I would be comfortable still trying to pursue my own life if I had children. How can I ever reconcile that? What is Danielle going to do when Natalie doesn’t need her anymore? What am I pursuing? How do I know when I’m done? Maybe we’re not so different. We’re just two people trying to survive, doing anything we know how. My brother bought her a kindle. I didn’t even know she liked to read. I wish we were friends.

I sort of wonder at people who can sleep with socks on. If I check the mail and nothing in it is interesting, I leave the whole lot there. My roommate says, “To be honest,” after saying something you didn’t really want to hear. Every time I’m driving, I can feel other cars colliding with my car in my very bones. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of not living. I don’t like when other people talk about my fears. They’re mine. Actually, I am fearless. My body just happens to react negatively to certain situations that I have no control over. Fuck you, body. I’ll do what I want.

I find this jacket fantastically clever. Let everybody eat cake, I always say. Not because I think cake is freely available to those who have no bread, but because cake makes people happy. Who isn’t pleased to get a little cake? Come over. I’ll make you cake. We can be happy together.


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